Showing posts with label Lists. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Lists. Show all posts

Tuesday, 27 May 2008

Write da feem toon, Sing da feem toon - My Top 27 Tv Theme Tunes



Controversial - No MASH, Cheers, Scooby-Doo or Van Der Valk...

The Adams Family - spookylishously clicky




The Flashing Blade - highlite of anyone's week - I totally loved this



Dr Who - timeless - though I prefare the Pertwee era tune



The Water Margin - before cgi came Lin Chung and the Liang-Shan-Po massive. The ancient sages said, "do not despise the snake for having no horns, for who is to say it will not become a dragon" Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire ;)


Jonathan Creek - magical and macabre


The Avengers - with Emma Peel of course


Angel - 1st of a Josh Weedon trilogy and with fab strings


Mission Impossible - you only have 5 seconds to enjoy this before it self-destructs


Robinson Crusoe - best on Fridays and so evocative of a place in time (front room on Saturdays)


Batman - Oi Batman come in - your dina-dina-dina dinner's ready


Firefly - Josh's version is even more hilarious. Always leaves me feeling a sense of serenity...


Hawaii Five-O - book em (for children's parties, Bar Mitzvahs, weddings...)


RawHide - keep moovin-moovin-moovin ... Clint's first big break on the little screen


White Horses - cheesier than even Black Beauty



The Littlest Hobo - brings a tear every time (bless)



Champion The Wonder Horse - like a thingy of lightening - very very frightening



The Wombles - Orinoco flow



Stingray and what about Aqua Marina



The Banana Splits La-La laaa Lala La-Laa ad infinitum



Buffy - The later versions got quite speedy n'est pas?



The Monkees - here they come...



Robin of Sherwood ahh haa - the hooded man. Used to love this mystical nonsense



The Persuaders - by the man behind the Bond musical classics



Captain Scarlet indestructuctable and untoucable theme tune (no place for Joe 90 and his magic glasses though)



Minder so good for you... (apparently has been known to write a theme toon and sing a theme toon, in his time).



Are You Being Served - going up (as sampled by Coil). Have you seen Mrs Slocombe's cat ?



Fireball XL5 - Another Gerry Anderson series, this time staring Steve Zodiac. He would go on to find fame later, in hit US series Veronica Mars...

Friday, 18 April 2008

Gone But Not Forgotten Part 1 - musicians I really, really miss.




Robert Heaton 06.07.61 - 04.11.04. Drummer and multi instrumentalist with New Model Army. Robert Heaton is my hero and wrote my favourite NMA song The Green and the Grey. NMA were never the same again.





Johnn Balance 16.02.1962 - 13.11.2004 Another shining light in my life. I have been listening to Balance's extraordinary music since 1982. I am a huge fan of Coil and still can not believe he has gone.





Nigel Preston 01.011959 - 07/06/1992 the simple brilliance of Death Cult and the early Cult inspired me to become a drummer. I spent long hours (well occaisional hours) trying to emmulate Preston's powerful yet subtle drum stylee. An awesome drummer who's tribal rhythms also exemplified the importance of his presence with his other bands: Theatre of Hate and Sex Gang.





John McGeoch 15.08.1955 – 04.03.2004 Siouxsie described him as her favourite guitarist of all time. His sound was unique and oft weird and spooky. McGeoch's sound influenced everything that came after and has been acknowledged by Johnny Marr, The Edge, John Frusciante and Radiohead's Jonny Greenwood to name a few. A true genius.



Top Three Worst Movie Fight Scenes Ever - Fighting is not big, clever or funny - except for these movie clips

Pure dead brilliant so it is...especially the slow motiony bits





OMG


Carnage in the Kitchen

Friday, 11 April 2008

Who's The Teddy? - So who's the best children's TV charachter of all-time.


Bagpuss has been voted the favourite children's TV animal of all-time in an online poll.
This most pink fury saggy old cloth cat actually beat Tom and Jerry, Winnie the Pooh, Dougal, DangerMouse, Shaun the Sheep, Paddington Bear, Top Cat, Scooby-Doo and Basil Brush to become the last Toy standing. But what of the others...

For me the greatest is and always will be Muttley, with Scooby in second and then a tie for third between Speedy Gonzales and Hong-Kong Phooey (yes both scored the same points using my ani-matrix).
So where are the Clangers, Parsley the Lion, Tigger, Silver, Champion, Skippy, the Ickleist Hobo and Pat's cat? Where's Mickey, Donald, Pluto and Minnie? Where's Deputy Dawg, Droopy, Nemo, The Smurfs, Count Duckula, Dogtanian, Super Ted, Evil Edna and Rhubarb and Custard? Where's the Hair-Bear bunch, Yogi, Bugs, Daffy, Tweety, Huckleberry Hound, Road-Runner and those annoying chipmunks? Actually all the Banana Splits - where are they? Seriously where are they?

I ask you...the youffe of today .... Sagga-Fragga-Rassan-Cassan-Frassa-Dassan HeHeHeHeHeHeHeHe ....

Have I missed any?




Friday, 4 April 2008

Dancing in the Dark - The Best Worst Dancing Singers




Billy Squire - Rock Me Tonite - Dancing to end all dancing, in this video nasty.

Bobby Gillespie - Movin' On Up - You gotta love him though, he's like an ickle Thunderbird puppet.

Jarvis Cocker - Common People - Years of training at Pan's People's School of Visual Finger Dance, paid dividends for Jarvis. Known in the business as "Jazz-hands-vis Cocker" , he can vogue with the best of em. Look at him point and then point some more...

Mick Jagger and David Bowie - Dancing In The Street - 2 crimes for the price of one. You'd have thought after all these years, that someone would have been brave enough to let Mick know that chicken impressions and pouting does not a dancer make. This is truely horrid, awful, almost unwatchable in a car crash kinda way.

Adam Ant - Tabletalk - Adam pioneering robotic dancing in the late 70s and looking more like some student stumbling his way home from the pub. (check video 4:20 for invisible tennis)

Billy Ray Cyrus - Achy Breaky Heart - Nuff said, please tell his achy-breaky ears that he's even an embarassment to dancing dads. (check video 3:10 for best bit)

Soiuxsie - The Staicase Mystery - Siouxsie looks totally ill at ease prancing around for this corker of a song. Why she decided some Morris Dancing was what was needed is the only mystery here. Still makes me smile today.

Billy Idol - Rebel Yell - Sid meets Elvis, what could go wrong? His trademark posturing and arm dancing at its best. Point, sneer, punch...point, sneer, punch....

Talking Heads - Once in a Lifetime - It's just wrong. (check video 3:05 for Sooty nude)

Ian Curtis - Shadowplay - Joy Dividsion had far too many instrumental breaks - so alas Ian had to ad lib the best he could. (check video 2:42 seriously funny)

Bruce Springsteen - Dancing In The Dark - We wish. Cringingly 80s, He's like St Elmos and all those bad brat-pack movie dancing kids personified. (check video 3:23 for whats-her-face and twice the badness of dancing to fade)

Nick Cave - Dig, Lazarus, Dig - Now this is how to bad dance. Showing everyone that attitude and genius goes a long way - cool as F***

Elvis - AnythinghedidinLasVegas - Oh come on, you know it's true. He was really bad - the baddest. Elvis had all the worst moves, here's just some to watch out for. (check video 0:18 The Tremor, 1:38 The Robbie Williams, 2:00 The Trouser Pull, 3:13 The Sideways Moonwalk, 3:24 he does The Moustache, 3:34 Felatio, 3:56 Mr Whippy, 4:19 Kung-Fu Stancing)

Wednesday, 19 March 2008

Into something rich and strange: Top 25 cover versions







Now you all know about my barely concealed disdain for the current rash of what I loosely call 'shite' cover versions. These can be heard mainly on The Radio 1 live lounge album II and Mark Ronson's Version (Best British Male indeed- cock). But I'm not tarnishing all covers with the same skanky old brush, no sir. There are some sublime covers out there which, at their very best are utterly transforming, and every bit as good as their originals. It's a contentious subject though, and If anyone actually read this blog I'd be slightly worried about getting a kicking.

25 Richard Cheese and Lounge against the Machine Enter Sandman (Metallica)
Without doubt my favourite from the inimitable loungers- and I don't just like them because of their excellent punnery - although that makes my lexical universe feel warm and fuzzy. I'm fond of this because Enter Sandman was one of my karaoke numbers in Japan. I particularly enjoyed singing it when I was beyond unbelievably pissed. To my mind, I sounded like Richard Cheese, in reality I sounded like this- Rahrahrahrahblahblahrahrah. Happy memories. For me at least.

24
Rod Stewart The First Cut is the Deepest (Cat Stevens)
I couldn't believe this was a Cat Stevens song! And I'll tell you why, when I was lying on our living room floor listening to my mum's The Best of Rod Stewart album (you remember, that pink one. all mums had it by law.) I totally BELIEVED that Rod was singing this song from the very bottom of his sincerest, truest, beauty-really-is-more-than- blond-deep heart. I felt every single word of his pain like I was there with him, being torn limb from limb by the horrors of first love. It came as a totally surprise that, you know, Perhaps Rod's heart wasn't really in it. If only I'd seen this appearance on Top of the Pops, the game might have been up a lot sooner.


23 Futureheads Hounds of Love (Kate Bush)
So apart from a couple of (reputedly) pretty shitty cover albums by (reputedly) pretty shitty bands, the first real Kate cover was probably Placebo's Running up that Hill, which is actually pretty fine. Kudos to them for taking on the (reputedly) un-take-on-able, and kudos to the Futureheads for not only that, but for the sheer brilliance of their choice of song. They manage to do exactly what Kate Bush does, that is, make a really silly song sound, well, not silly, but quite good. Damn! How do they do that?! Makes Dogtanian and the Three Muskahounds sound like pussies.

22 Sugarbabes Living for the Weekend (Hard Fi)
A surprise entry given my current displeasure with the Live Lounge, but my God this song is lush! Imagine a song about yoof dissatisfaction in small town England, where the only relief you get from your piss poor pathetic life is when you go out and get totally wasted at the weekend. And then imagine the beautiful, shiny, glossy Sugarbabes singing said song. And then luxuriate in your own glorious disorientation. My favourite lines are of course 'Ah shit, so my clothes are all counterfeit, so my name isn't on the list' -The Sugarbabes' names not on the list? carrying fake Gucci bags? You are joking right? Ah, but out of the mouths of babes.....

21 White Stripes I Just don't know what to do with myself (Dusty Springfield-kinda)
Ah the White Stripesiness of the White Stripes. This song is full on sexy, which perhaps goes someway to explaining the Kate Moss/pole dancing video thing.

20
Sinead O'Connor Nothing Compares 2 U (Prince/The Family)
I could have believed Sinead O'Connor had written this- her first album had some really nice stuff on it. Anyway, she didn't, but I totally BELIEVED she did, just like Rod Stewart all over again. I'm pleased she had this success, because I like Sinead O'Connor, and can't help thinking she has been misrepresented. Unless she is actually a catholic mental.

19 The Bangles Hazy Shade of Winter (Simon and Garfunkel)
Now some people might think that the Bangles are lame, but I beg to differ. Does that long time crush I had on Susanna Hoffs have anything to do with it? Well, I'm going to say no, to preserve my artistic integrity, but I can't stop you laughing at me behind my back now can I? The Bangle's cover does what any great cover should do- it transforms the song into something new and wonderful whilst somehow retaining the essential beauty of the original. And that guitar riff!

18 S Express Hey Music Lover
I suppose it's really S'express (although I must give a nod to Betty Boo) that marked my final acceptance of Disco as a viable medium, albeit through the channel of Dance music. I don't actually notice that the two are related until the late 90s but I was never particularly quick on the uptake. Oh. And I can't find the original band name anywhere. Anybody help me out?

17 Flying Lizards Money (The Beatles)
Generally speaking, Beatles covers are pale imitations of the originals. I mean, no one needs to hear another Beatles ballad do they? But this cover is so off the wall it's brilliant.

16 Soft Cell What! (Judy Street)
Just a tantalising taste of how fabulous Soft Cell are at the art of the cover version. There are about 6 songs in the world that make me feel full on happy. This is one of them.

15 Happy Mondays Step On (John Kongos)
Ah the Happy Mondays in their hayday. You knew it couldn't last so best just to neck one and enjoy the ride. And where did they find this song?

14 Donna Summer McArthur Park (Richard Harris)
In my addled teenage brain, I always thought that this song was from Camelot, and the cake was something to do with Merlin. Which is a strange but easy enough mistake to make. To imagine you could turn that 6 minute Harris ramble, into a glamorous disco opus is stranger still. Now that's magic!

13 Placebo Running up that Hill (Kate Bush)
Like I said. Kudos for having the nerve to cover her.

12 Johnny Cash Hurt (Nine Inch Nails)
My dad (long time Johnny Cash devotee) totally hated the
The Man comes around album. He hated that Johnny C had finally lost his voice, It made him feel his own mortality he said- that even Johnny Cash couldn't sing forever. For me the failing voice adds new shades of meaning to the song- feelings of loss, mortality, frailty, getting old. And the video is perfect. A fine epitaph indeed.

11 Robert Wyatt Shipbuilding (Elvis Costello)
Elvis Costello says that this song has "The best lyrics I've ever written". He wrote it for Robert Wyatt- and even though he later recorded it, he couldn't surpass it. As a comment on the Falklands and the 80s in general it by far surpasses Costello's more caustic numbers (I'm thinking Tramp the dirt down), and it remains a glum reminder of just how grim-up-north it was in the 80s.

10 Sundays Wild Horses (The Rolling Stones)
This is the 12" b side of the first single release from the Sundays second (and not that well received) album Blind. I bought it on vinyl when it came out and thought I was the only person in the world who had heard it. Then (10 years later) it starts appearing all over the show- Buffy, Garden State.... spooky. And lovely.

9 Dread Zeppelin Hey Hey (Led Zeppelin)
There isn't much to say here except Robert Plant loves Dread Zeppelin. I prefer the later smoothness of De-jah Voodoo, but I can go the earlier rough and ready easily enough. They are just fucking inspired. And isn't that a pun?

8 Tori Amos Smells like Teen Spirit (Nirvana)
Some people totally hate this song. I am
totally not one of them. This still makes me sad when I hear it, because I am a sentimental divvy.

7 Scissor Sisters Comfortably Numb
(Pink Floyd)
Sometimes when I'm talking about music this strange urge to talk in DJ cliches overwhelms me, and I start wanting to say things like, totally rocks, kickin', cool, guitar licks and blows my mind. To my mind this song is a masterpiece of cheeky irreverence. Not so much a thumbs up to Pink Floyd, so much as the finger at Pink Floyd. At least that's what I like to think. And man, it is so cool it blows my mind.


6 Gary Jules Mad World (Tears for Fears)
It's utterly inspired this isn't it. The saddest thing in the world. Almost inseparable from the perfect ending of Donnie Darko, it rivals Mrs Robinson at the end of The Graduate for the most perfectly placed piece of music in a film ever. (I feel another list coming on...)

5 Soft Cell Tainted Love (Gloria Jones)
I was 14 when this song came out. I had already lived through the camp bonanza that was 70s glam rock, I had seen punk, new wave and the mincing foppery of New Romanticism was just getting underway. Nothing though, had prepared me for Mark Almond and Soft Cell. Me, and everyone I knew, had never seen anything like them. Only Boy George's appearance on Top of the Pops the following year would come close to it. And the song was out of this world! Everybody was just totally blown away by it (is there a dj in the room?) Like Jeff Buckley's Hallelujah, it's the Soft Cell cover that artists now cover, not the original. The mark of a truly inspired cover.

4 Sandy Shaw Jeane (The Smiths)
I was never much taken with Sandy Shaw really, but somehow she brings this kitchen sink-y Smiths drama to life in a way that the original never does. And this live version does all those DJ cliches to me again!

3 Ellen McIllwaine Higher Ground (Stevie Wonder) I had been listening to this song for about a year before I realised it was actually the Stevie Wonder Higher Ground, I thought the title was just a coincidence. It's hard to imagine anything ever coming close to the original, but this song does it and some. Its like Stevie Wonder possessed by a Haitian monkey devil during a medicine man exorcism. After half a pint of peyote.

2 Jeff Buckley Hallelujah (Leonard Cohen)
There are two things that annoy me when people talk about Hallelujah. The first is people saying 'I prefer the original'. I mean, I love Leonard Cohen as much as the next man, but his Hallelujah was never hailed as one of his greats because, well frankly it's a bit of a dirge. Obviously it's poetically breathtaking, but when Jeff Buckley sings it, it becomes this shining thing, something so beautiful it's practically a religion. A bit like Richard Burton reading Dylan Thomas or Twiggy wearing Mary Quant. The second is people saying 'I prefer the Rufus Wainright/Kathryn Williams/Imogen Heap/Bon Jovi/U2 version', because like the Tainted Love covers, these songs are covers of a cover (Jeff Buckley's), which you've got to admit, just isn't that cool.

1 This Mortal Coil Song to the Siren (Tim Buckley)
Funny that my top 2 covers are oddly connected. Not only is Jeff the son of Tim, he also went out with Elizabeth Frazer (they met at his request because he had loved her version of his dad's song). I first heard this on one of those long nights listening to seven shades of shit on John Peel to hear the occasional good song. He was the Cocteau Twins' number one fan bless him. If I try hard enough I can still remember the chill this song used to give me whenever I heard it. The first time I went to Gwen's house when I was 17, she played Ghosts, Stairway to Heaven, and Song to the Siren. We are still mates obviously. Who could fly in the the face of that kind of good omen? It was like nothing I had ever heard before. I got into Tim Buckley much later, and totally get why some find him a hard nut to crack. What I admire about Elizabeth Fraser is that at 21 she had not only cracked it, but rendered it richer and stranger than its (in its own right very beautiful) original. Seems only fitting that she should be rewarded with Jeff Buckley really. If only for a short while.






Sunday, 9 March 2008

11 Great Songs About Dogs and not all of them Country


To get eveyone in the mood for Best in Show at Crufts tonight here are 11 great songs about Dogs. My money's on Jafrak Philippe Olivier the Giant Schnauzer to win.

11 - Elvis - Old Shep ( for Kiki ) with the help of Kurt Russell
10 - Nellie Mckay kicks us off with appropriately The Dog Song
9 - Nick Cave, To Be By Your Side not totally about dogs but you just gotta watch this video clip from the movie Fluke. It'll bring a tear to your eye.
8 - Led Zeppelin and Bron-Yr-Aur Stomp
7 - The Beatles, Martha My Dear a song about Paul's Sheepdog if I remember correctly.
6 - Lobo and a re-mixed Me And You And A Dog Named Boo
5 - Magnetic Fields - with the awesome Fido Your Leash Is Too Long
4 - Neil Young - with the tale of poor Old King
2 - Pink Floyd - Seamus
1 - Cat Stevens with I Love My Dog

Friday, 8 February 2008

The Best Worst Film Titles Ever or The Cinematic Assassination Of The Lower Leg By Cowardly Marketing Departments Part Deux vs Eddie Izzard








With huge debate over the release of the new James Bond film later this year - QUANTUM OF SOLACE (2008), I thought I would obviously kick off with this. Does anyone agree it sounds like the stock-piling of a celebrity perfume. A title like this is enough to scare the living daylights out of a Bond fan. I've only just got over "Octopussy" and now this. "Can I have 2 for a quantum of solace please?" - "no you can pay cash just like everyone else...." However I still live in hope of change remembering that "a gem is not polished without rubbing, nor a man made perfect without trials”( ancient chinese proverb ) and diamonds are for ever...

Next we have THE SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELLING PANTS (2005) almost so bad it reviews itself ... pants indeed. I'm afraid I have to report that SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELLING PANTS 2 is released later this year. I'm secretly hoping for an added subtitle - "The jean genie", "Dis-cord in the mall", "Flaring up again...", "Pants for the memories".

On a simillar note THE DIVINE SECTRETS OF THE YA YA SISTERHOOD (2002) is not divine at all, and reiterates a warning to never use sisterhood in a title ever... ever.

GIGLI (2003) so bad in name it had to be bad on screen. Not even Christopher Walken could save this stinker. ( Stop GIGLIng at the back there...)

THE ASSASSINATION OF JESSE JAMES BY THE COWARD ROBERT FORD (2007) now who in their right mind would have a title so big it falls off the end of a movie poster? A bad fit indeed. Not only is it the greatest movie spoiler of all time but it also prejudges the characters for us....

Again THE ENGLISHMAN WHO WENT UP A HILL BUT CAME DOWN A MOUNTAIN (1995) is big but is not clever ...

The self fulfilling NEVERENDING STORY II - THE NEXT CHAPTER (1990). Word up. I hearby sentence you to years of literary analogous sequels ... Mercifully this fibbing franchise did end after NEVERENDING STORY THREE - ESCAPE FROM FANTASIA (1994) so we can all live happily ever after.

This year also sees the release of HAROLD AND KUMAR EASCAPE FROM GUANTANAMO BAY (2008) - I don't need to see this film to know that it's gonna be rubbish - yep this truly awful title tells me so. Laugh - I don't think so.

FREE WILLY (1993). (raises eyebrows)

OK time to fess up - I'm not putting any Steven Segal films in here, cos I love em, but you know as well as I that all of them should be ( MARKED FOR DEATH, HALF PAST DEAD, HARD TO KILL, ON DEADLY GROUND, OUT FOR A KILL, PRINCE OF PISTOLS ). Well I like a romance as much as the next fella.

But Sly Stallone's films, well that's another matter.... STOP OR MY MOM WILL SHOOT (1992) jaw droppingly bad and even his best film COP LAND (1997), (a film about the police - no really) has the worstist-ist of title choices.

The Wayan brothers make it to the list with their tongue in cheek parody DON'T BE A MENACE TO SOUTH CENTRAL WHILE DRINKING YOUR JUICE IN THE HOOD (1996). We get the gisty joke but it's just not that great or ambitious or risque.

THE CONSTANT GARDNER (2005) really gets your juices flowing... A title in need of both tinkering and tailoring and probably soldiering as the last resort.

SNAKES ON A PLANE (2006) pretty much takes away the necessity to see the movie itself. Perhaps a more mysterious approach was needed - "Something Slithery on a Plane". Look out for future sequels "Plants on a Lake", "Cat on chair", "Singe dans l'arbre", "Mouse under the table".

SHROOMS (2006) Now ask anyone and they'll tell you I'm a fun-guy but it's no laughing matter when a film title is so hilariously bad that it prevents you from being scared witless as is intended - OOooh The SHROOMS... the shrooms.....

WRESTLING WOMEN VS THE AZTEC MUMMY (1964) a very good or was that bad year for film titles. We are now in the realms of titles that could go either way. The first horror / rock n roll / sports interest movie, well it deffo preceeds Rocky III -xxiii anyhoo.

Ok a classic film title so so bad that to be honest it's great - THE INCREDIBLY STRANGE CREATURES WHO STOPPED LIVING AND BECAME MIXED-UP ZOMBIES (1964) One of many B-Movie classics.

STAR TREK III - THE SEARCH FOR SPOCK. (1994) I'm sorry but this has to be the laziest title for a big budget film ever. "We cannae think of a good title capin". Let's just put what happens and that... Very V poor underlined.

Finally on a similar orbit STAR WARS EPISODE I - THE PHANTOM MENACE (1999). A title so cheesey it was rejected by the script writers for Scooby-Doo. Ooh what a menace he is - a real menace that one... Absolutely terrifying.




Wednesday, 23 January 2008

Top 20 Albums of 2007



I feel like I can't really start the year until I've top twentied the last one. And what a groovy year for music! I had to leave some of those puppies at the door. 'Let us in' they cried. 'I can't!' I cried, ' there's no room! go next door and try your luck in the top 50!'

20 P J Harvey White Chalk
PJ only just made it. I mean, White chalk is no walk in the park. In fact it's an angst ridden gloom fest sung in a weirdy weirdy high register. No guitars, no comforting rock and roll. She sounds like a teenager who has just lost her parents, siblings and dog in a drowning incident off the coast of Lyme Regis. The persona to go with this album (and PJ Harvey always has one) is a sort of dark inverted Victorian woman/child, who does needlepoint and plays pianoforte, but whose inner life is consumed by thoughts of dead babies, sexual frustration and despair. I still can't listen to the last track (it takes me well past my pain threshhold in every single sense) but I admire the vision, and can see the beauty. If I try hard enough.
19 Iron and Wine The Shepherd's Dog
It's kind of apt that my first encounter with Iron and wine was just when I was getting ready to leave Japan. In true Kiki style I
became momentarily obsessed and listened to nothing but Our Endless Numbered Days, Woman King , and In the Reigns (the album he did with Calexico) for the last 3 weeks I was there. I listened to them in Okinawa on my long boat trips out to the islands to swim, and they were the perfect soundtrack to that time; sad, nostalgic, wistful, but strangely uplifting and inspiring. Don't get me wrong, it's the music which evokes all that stuff, because this new album has it all too, I'm just glad I gave them the perfect background to shine on. You can really hear the Calexico influence on this album, which is no bad thing. Oh. And it's lovely.
19 The Bees Octopus
Why so low in the chart? Well, because although it's groovy and charming and accomplished, it ain't as good as the wonderful Free the Bees. I know, it's mean to compare a band to themselves, but them's the breaks.
18 Blonde Redhead 23
More nostalgia, for me at least, as Blonde Redhead speed me De Lorean style back to the 80s - probably the result of the Sonic Youth influence. Guitars. Feedback, ethereal singing, My Bloody Valentine, Tribe, you know the kind of thing. They seem to have finally taken all those influences, sprinkled in a bit of Sigur Ros, and fashioned shoe gazing into something rich and strange. Oh,
and that tortured feeling you get from Kazu Makino? -the result of her being trampled by a horse apparently. Ouch.
17 Tegan and Sarah The Con
I really like the way T and S sing- they have a genuinely unique sound. I also like the way they seem to kind of hate each other, (watching them being interviewed together is a hoot, and they live in different cities for God's sake!) The only cloud on the Tegan and Sara horizon is the excessive use of their songs to soundtrack naff love montages from the L word. Check out Youtube, it's horrible. And did you know that the White Stripes have covered one of their songs? Respect.
16 The Horrors Strange House
I find it amazing that the Horrors exist in the world. I find it equally amazing that the famous Chris 'I can't make a video without it getting banned ' Cunningham loved them so much he came out of retirement to make this creepy video. With Samantha Morton to boot! The Horrors remind me of the Birthday party, but don't let that put you off, they have their own unique sort of charm. I would like to see them perform in the ruins of Whitby abbey during Goth weekend. Now that really would be something! Oh, and yes, the video was banned- not for the disturbing images of a manky alien parasite appearing from under Ms Morton's skirt- but for the use of a strobe light. A likely story.
15 The White Stripes Icky Thump
I was totally blown away when I heard the title track of this album on the radio. I mean, it's so out there. It totally says- this is how I want this song to sound, and nothing, but nothing will dilute my vision. It's that faith in his art that makes Jack White so brilliant (and sometimes so fucking awful) he's incapable of dumbing down either way. You can hear the integrity in everything they do, even if it's shit. That's why I love the White Stripes. And those bagpipes are INSPIRED!
14 M.I.A Kala
M.I.A's first album Arular has the curious honour of having the longest stay on my Ipod ever. I loved that album to the very depths of my soul. So I've got to say I was kind of annoyed when I heard this album, although I had an inkling of what was to unfold when I heard the bloody awful 'Bird Flu'. This album took a lot, I mean a lot of work to like. But finally, like it I do. Especially the nearly catchy Paper Planes (An irony indeed for a Clash hater like myself!) Of course she did it all on purpose- testing the faithful- gotta love her for that!
13 The Go! team Proof of Youth
Nobody but nobody sounds like the Go! team. I know that isn't exactly a recommendation- nobody but nobody sounds like George Formby- but I mean it in a good way. They are just mind blowingly groovy. They gain extra points for taking me directly back to my childhood by copying a tune from a really old kid's school program called 'Our World'. Saints alive it nearly stopped my heart!
12 Interpol Our Love to Admire
This is a little bit of an odd choice for me. It's not really the sort of thing I'd ordinarily get into, but It just crept in there somehow. Nice songs, nicely put together. In a sad teenage sort of way. OK that line 'there's no I in threesome' is shocking, but on the whole they are a cool little band.
11 Klaxons Myths of the Near Future
Yup, they are naff, they look weird (in a bad art school wank way), they were uncommonly ungracious at the Mercury awards, they are vain and pretentious, and they appear to be the only band who fit into the completely meaningless musical category of Nu Rave. Somehow though, it all seems to work. And it's a fab album.
10 Bat for Lashes Fur and Gold
There wasn't much to choose between The Klaxons and Bat for lashes, except BFL lost out at the Mercury, so I thought I'd give her a break. And I loved the album. Natasha Khans vocals (much like those on The Bird and the Bee) are this fabulous antidote to our current obsession with big soul diva-y voices (I mean YOU Leona Lewis!) Sometimes something more delicate is called for. And the BMX video just rocks, you know it does. One final thing, I wonder who started with all this glitter paint on the face milarky? Not only did I find Bat for Lashes, The Klaxons and LCD Soundsystem sporting said look, I also see (in Closer magazine- shame on me!) that Kate Moss made everyone wear it at her birthday bash. Curiouser and curiouser.
9 LCD Soundsystem Sound of Silver
Eek I think this album may be the Nora Jones of Dance music for the 30 something ex-raver generation. Ah Fuck it, stick it on the stereo and pass me a glass of chardonnay and a herb marinaded olive.
8 Justice Cross
Thank the gods for Daft Punk! Without them Dance music might have sunk into a sea of cheesy trance, happy hardcore and dance 'anthems'. Daft Punk gave us another avenue, and Justice have gone right down it, and danced all over it (a bit like Michael Jackson in the Billy Jean video. But cooler.) Words cannot express how much I LOVE this album!
7 The Shins Wincing the night away
The Shins feel like Christmas. Not just the merry bits -but the sad, lovelorn, lonely bits too. I have to stop myself watching their videos as all that monkees-esque wackiness spoils the whole illusion. The Shins win the prize for the most asked about album at work (total strangers asking me what's playing at work is one of my favourite things.) Only the Raising Sand album comes close.
6 The Bird and the Bee The Bird and the Bee
OK on first hearing this album sounds sugary, even insubstantial, but after a few listens, you realise that it 's strangely muscular, just in a different way than you are use to. Quirky funny lyrics, lovely harmonies and beautiful arrangements, it puts me in mind of nothing but itself. Gorgeous!
5 Caribou Andorra
Continuing last year's little love affair with Canadian music is Caribou. Which is really some bloke called Dan Snaith. It sounds uncannily like a fabulous Dr Moreauen cross between The Polyphonic Spree and the Soundtrack of Hair the Musical. It's this huge rich sparkly sound, where every song makes you feel like you are on a log flume. Fabulous build ups, and then big showers of skin- drenching sound. It's restrained and exhilarating at the same time, which is quite the achievement.
4 Radiohead In Rainbows
It's just a really good album. When I have my Ipod on shuffle and I hear the intros to any of the songs I'm like 'ooh that's good, what's that?' and then it all becomes clear when I realise it's them. And Nude really is the best thing they've done for years- perfect like a pearl.
3 Robert Plant and Alison Krauss Raising Sand
The question is, is this album good enough to make up for the shockingly awful video that is Gone Gone Gone? (Silver mirror balls- Animal shape balloons- Uncomfortable quasi dancing-) Well Yes. I think it's fair to say this one took us all by surprise; A bit like having honey and cheese on toast at the same time. Sounds odd but my it tastes good.
2 Kings of Leon Because of the times
Apparently the Kings of Leon are loads more popular in the UK than the States. Perhaps that's because we are fascinated with the truly unfamiliar backdrop that spawned them- the travelling Preacher father, the childhood spent wandering across the heart of the bible belt, those scary red neck names. Or perhaps it's that really big sound that they have, a bit like U2 but not shit. They totally manage to mix that really manly Kris Kristoffersen/ Johnny Cash Country thing with pure rock and rollio. Listen to King of the Rodeo if you don't believe me. Stand out tracks on the album are Knocked up (Jesus I can practically smell the inbreeding from the back porch) and Fans (which I think is about how much the Followill shag masters enjoy their British fans). So is it finally alright to marry your cousin? I should say so. As long as his name is Waymore.
1 U.N.K.L.E War Stories
And talking of nostalgia (which I was about 9 albums back) this album has this brilliant old 80s goth sound to it which I can hardly explain. Interesting that Ian Astbury is on there, but in songs sounding more like the Cult of old than the Cult of, well, awful. It also has a feel of Death in Vegas, and even a touch of Massive attack. Every song's a classic, and it's shockingly underrated! So go get it now- or I will kill you!



Sunday, 20 January 2008

A Trip Down Sensory Lane - 303 Best Acid House Trance Dance Tunes Ever Part 1



All these songs have one thing in common - they belch, beep, bleep and have beats that absolutely make everything jiggle and sqelch to the Nth degree.


First up we have Hardfloor - ACPERIENCE 1 - Thee greatest of them all ... FACT Number 303.

Astral Projection - LET THERE BE LIGHT - It totally goes bananas at 4.01 ... B-A-N-A-N-A-S.

Adamski - NRG in the early 90s I saw squirrels whoosing down a slide. I still see squirrels.

Bam Bam with WHERE'S YOUR CHILD - without doubt the scariest song to trip to ... just say NO!

Now Hallucinogen - LSD - Obvious/smobvious.

Coil - THE SNOW - You can literally see the music and hear the colours. This has the subtitle of "Answers Come In Dreams" and is from their "Loves Secret Domain" albumn. The Da Vinci Code has nothing on them lol.

Sven Vath - GHOST - Spooky loops from the GodFather of Trance.

Crystal Castles - ALICE PRACTICE - This is a new one but you just know...

Psychick Warriors Of Gaia - EXIT 23 - Just watch the floaty 23s.

Eat Static - PRANA - euphorically just keeps building and building infiltrating and taking over.

Juno Reactor - NAVROS - The Metallica of Techno. All their songs are epic and mouth droolingly brimming with awesome quasi pomposity.

Autechre - CHATTER - Just didgeridon't.

Hardfloor - THE TRILL ACID THEME - And just to come full circle, 14 years later on from Acperience here's 2007's sensory symphony - it's somehow comforting to know somethings will never change.

Hardfloor - LOST IN THE SILVER BOX - I couldn't resist one more - this 303 referenced stonka is my all time favourite from them. Total mindblowing excellence, truely truely scrumptously relentless.









Friday, 11 January 2008

Top 10 Inherently Embarrassingly Naff Songs I Love ... and as such can never own.


And so it begins - In at 10 from the depths of boom it's .... Outhere Brothers and BOOM BOOM BOOM. Not to be mixed up with jolly Dutch Eurodance group the Vengaboys' similarily sounding Boom Boom Boom Boom, this song has one less boom but twice the shame.
Notice also the absence in the video of the now mysteriously legendary third band member, known only as Number 23.
Did you know this song has the same chord progression as Nirvana's Smells Like Teen Spirit?

At 9 - It's the jewel in the Dutch rock crown that is Golden Earing with RADAR LOVE. Watch out for the great eyebrow acting in this early video.
Did you know that the band earned their first number one hit in the Netherlands with the pop song Dong Dong Diki Diki Dong in 1968. Respect.

It's hotting up now and in at 8 it's JUMP by Kriss Kross (pronounced Chris Cross) and Kriss Kross'll certainly make ya appreciate the wiggidy - wiggidy - wack of JUMP. It seems that Daddy-Mac (the one on the left or was it the right) dressed them in a real rush this particular morning for the JUMP promo video shoot.
Did you know that In 1992, they released the Sega video game Make My Video which came 18th on Electronic Gaming Monthly's list of the "20 Worst Games of All Time".

At 7 - It's those metal gods Judas Priest with THE RIPPER. This particular live version seems to be a cover by some old fat men on their way to a leather Christmas tree convention.
Did you know that the band are named after Bob Dylan's song "The Ballad of Frankie Lee and Judas Priest" from the John Wesley Harding LP.

At 6 - Yey it's Britney and BABY ONE MORE TIME - Nuff said.
Did you know Britney can often be found adorning the covers of several red tops and lifestyle magazines both here and abroad.

Now we're cooking with gas - in at 5 - Could you ever believe such a perfect surprise. Let's have a sing-a-long with those very mad and crazy and totally like mad t.A.T.u. girls with ALL THE THINGS SHE SAID.
Did you know their name is russian slang "for this girl loves that girl".

At 4 Supertramp with BREAKFAST IN AMERICA- Won't someone please give these poor mummy's boys some kippers....


In at 3 - We had to wait a while for the return of Take That .... and that took some PATIENCE (see what I did there) but now they're back for goodo.
Did you know that
Jason Orange gained a perfectly respectful grade C (nowt bad about that mark) when he re-took his GCSE English in 2005.

At 2 it's Sir Mix A Lot - BABY GOT BACK. I have no defence, I have tried to resist but over the years this song has given me and my mates sooooo much enjoyment, mostly due to our hip-hoppety, jiggy dancing and attempts at gettin busy, spittin some bustin rapping sounds.... 1-4-3.
Did you know that
BABY GOT BACK actually won a Grammy Award for best Rap Solo peformance in 1993.

Darius was born in Glasgow the son of Hystaspes. After leaving school Darius became Shah of Iran, he then divided the Persian Empire into twenty provinces and appointed governors for each. He studied philosophy at Edinburgh University where he introduced golden coins and developed trade and commerce within the Student Union and further the empire. Darius allowed the rebuilding of the Temple of Soloman in Jerusalem but more importantly also built many temples throughout Egypt. Darius was told in a dream that he would have many CDs of platinum and Colourblind helped achieve this. Darius to fulfill his destiny therefore entered Pop Idol where he would cover Britney's Baby One More Time. His name is an anagram of Radius literally signifying a straight line from centre to circumference.

So topping this chart at Number 1 and quite rightly, it's local lad made good Darius with COLOUR BLIND.
Did you know he is now engaged to Natasha Henstridge offa Species.









Tuesday, 8 January 2008

You are making my ears bleed- Shittest songs of 2007


10. Nickleback- Rockstar
I actually had a Kate Nash song here, but Ant told me that 3 Kate Nash tracks was too much. And anyway, he says he hates this song more than I hate all 3 Kate Nash songs put together. And true enough, his ears did literally start to BLEED when he played it for me.

9. Just Jack- Starz in their eyes. So just who the fuck is Just Jack? I'll tell you. He's a patronising twat who believes his own fame and fortune is somehow legitimate while the short lived fame of the sad bastards on Pop Idol and Fame Academy is not. Our stalwart trooper'Just Jack' can apparently cope with the rigors and tribulations that fame brings, unlike his unfortunate underlings. Having had no success (except in Holland, which doesn't count) our wise sage 'Just Jack' feels qualified to tell it like it is to us bunch of star struck hopefuls. Really? Oh, and that Z is unforgivable.

8.Adele- Chasing Pavements
Adele has a rubbish name. And horrible, I mean horrible, lyrics. She has been picked from obscurity and fashioned into a perfect amalgam of Kate Nash and Amy Winehouse with a touch of Beth Ditto (not too much Beth Ditto mind- cuddly is ok, fat is pushing it...) She is a record company creation- I mean, you don't think she came out like that fully formed do you? -that it's all just a huge coincidence? Adele is every bit as manufactured as Leon- except someone is trying to fool us into thinking she's not.

7.Scouting for girls- She's so lovely/Elvis ain't dead
Scouting for girls have a rubbish name. Look, it matters! Pretending it doesn't is like saying you don't judge people by the clothes they wear (you do)- or you didn't buy your Mac cause of how it looked (you did)- or you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover (oh shut up!) These songs only need one entry as they sound exactly the same. And they are both rubbish. My main complaint is the lazy lyrics. It's like- I've got my little scribble book here- with my cool lines written down. Classic lines like- 'Elvis isn't dead, I heard him on the radio' and 'I don't know how we make it through this'. Now. Lets squash them into unrelated songs and hope that nobody notices. I noticed the same tune holding seven shades of nonsense. You cannot be serious!

6 Lily Alan Oh my God
Enough. Enough now. Yup we all loved the first Live Lounge- that Arctic Monkeys cover of Girls Aloud really rocked. But it's all gone too far now- by far the worst is the travesty that is Bloc party's cover of Nelly Furtado's Say it right. listening to it is like watching your 67 year old Uncle Billy, totally smashed, toupe cock-eyed, a little bit of wee on his pants, zip down, chatting up a twenty five year old, as his wife and kids look on. Thankfully they didn't release it as a single, unlike this one from Lily Alan. I have nothing but respect for Lily Alan. She has a really innovative (and much copied- Yes I mean you Kate Nash!) style, wry clever lyrics, and great tunes. What possessed her to do this really horrible cover of the Kaiser Chiefs is anybodies guess. I think they offered her a chemical brother and baby and she said Done.

5 Kate Nash Foundations. Kate Nash is rubbish. Accept it. Move on. As Lily Alan is to the Kinks, Kate Nash is to Milli Vanilli.

4 Adele Hometown Glory
Ok here's another reason I don't like Adele- she has almost note for note ripped off another person's song. And everyone is raving about this song and I can't believe she's gotten away with it! It outrages me! The far superior song in question is Sia's Breath me, Compare them here and here

3 Mika- Big girls you are beautiful
Do I need to explain this one? No no no!! Who let this song out!!

2 Kate Nash Mouthwash.
I mean what happened to poetry, to metaphor? I've got a family and I drink cups of tea. Yeah yeah. I drank my tea, I had a wee. I get it. It's just not funny. This isn't actually the most annoying thing about this song, although it's right up there, the bit I hate is the completely meaningless refrain that pops in apropos of absolutely nothing. And I'm singing oh-oh on a Friday night, and I hope every thing's gonna be alright. Do you. Do you indeed Kate Nash. In this song, Kate claims that her 'tortuous analytical thoughts' make her brai-ai-ai ain go-o-o insane. HAHAHAHAHAHA

1 Standing in the way of Control The Gossip
Ok this song didn't actually come out this year, but it was re-released by popular demand apparently (bollocks), and it's been on the radio all cocking year. I just don't understand why everyone likes it. It's overrated turgid pop rock rubbish. She hasn't got a particularly engaging voice, it's got a bland tinny arrangement, and the only thing its got going for it is a catchy riff. And the album is unlistenable, which suggests that this is the very best thing they will ever do. Imagine!